Disappointment

The name is Badjie Xbietaquauallah Binti Ibadallah.

Which means, Bad+jie with the fear of Allah.

Bad is derived from my dad's name, Ibadallah.

Jie is from my mom's, Fauziah.

It is pronounced "Beji Bitakuallah", with silent "X".

Yes. I have to explain this to everyone who asks me about my name. Some questions are predictable, like "Where did you get your name?", "How to pronounce your name?", "What are your other siblings' names?", "Are you Malaysian/Malay?" etc, you get the drift.

Yes, my dad gave me my name. Thank you Ayah, for this life-long torture, to have to explain to people, even strangers, about my name. I love you, regardless. You're the best. It's mind-blowing to go by this name, like hey I'm Badjie Xbietaquallah, nice to meet you. Sounds like I'm talking in a foreign language, sexy. It's kindda different to have a name like this when most of my friends are named Nurul or Nur or Siti. I was born in the 80's, so that explains. So yeah, my dad is a genius. In the 80's, mind you. Win.

Nonetheless, I'm grateful to have such a beautiful name. Badjie, with the fear of Allah. It's a prayer, to always fear God, to remind myself that Allah is the greatest, to Allah I belong.

With a name like this, how could I get so screwed up? How could things go so wrong? How could love be so hurtful, even long after it's gone? How could I be so broken? How couldn't love find me? How could I be so lonely? How could time be so unkind? How could TAS be a curse without a cure? How could someone do this to me? How could I do this to myself?

I'm sorry. I disappoint you, Badjie Xbietaquauallah.