Thursday, October 23, 2014



Wednesday, January 9, 2013


Everybody has their own baggage. The question is, how do you handle yours?

I realize, as we grow older, sometimes our baggage gets heavier. Sometimes it's easier to just leave the baggage behind, set it in the corner and just leave it there, collecting dust. It's easier to move on without a huge, excess, heavy, burdening baggage, oh the relief, how light and free will it be without having to carry your heavy baggage around. 

You can always leave your baggage behind, lock it, hide it in the darkest room. But that doesn't change the fact that you own that baggage, the baggage is yours and to you it belongs, and that baggage will always be there. The hardest part is, sometimes you can never get the baggage out of your mind, you can still feel the presence no matter where you keep it, no matter how you hide it, even though it does not continue to weigh you down, it never puts your mind at ease. Sooner or later you're gonna have to deal with it. 

The thing about baggage is, everybody has one. And everybody has their own way in dealing with theirs. If you're lucky, there would be someone who will lend you a hand to carry your baggage together. Your heavy baggage will not be so heavy and burdening any more when you have someone helping you to carry it around.

But not everybody is that lucky.

Sometimes, no matter how hard it is, you have to go back to that room, search for the baggage in the corner where you left it, dust it away, unlock it, and open it and rifle through its contents. The bigger your baggage is, the more time you need to shuffle through its contents. Sometimes you just have to unload certain things, make your baggage lighter, so that it will be easier for you to carry it around. You may not like the things you find, you may hurt yourself touching sharp things as you rifle through the contents or you may get bruises and blisters from unloading the heavy items, but it will surely take you on a trip down memory-lane, riding on an emotional roller-coaster, reminiscing on the past, as each item tells you a story, teaches you a lesson, reminds you of past loves, colors your life with tears and laughter. 

And if you can't lighten the load, you're gonna have to learn to live with it. 

Perhaps, your heavy baggage can tone up your arms and help you to build up six pack. Perhaps, it can make you a stronger person.

Your baggage carries not only your 'belongings', but it is your sign of living. 

And I need a trolley for my heavy baggage. 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

B for..

It's Eid Mubarak. 

And it's 4.44 a.m and I can't sleep (suwey la banyak 4). So my mind wanders (what it does best) and here I am, writing again.

When I was young, I used to believe in everything. I believed in what my parents and teachers said, I took their words for it. I believed in fairy tales, in ghost, heaven and hell, sins, evil and kindness, I believed in love. I believed in everything.

When I was in my high school, I was a rebel, I thought I knew everything. My parents just didn't get me, the world was against me. Nothing could ever understand me. And I believed in nothing.

And now I'm a grown up. I believe that I don't know everything. 

Of course I have learnt a few things. But I just don't know everything. Sometimes I just don't know what to believe anymore. But I believe that I'm still figuring things out. 

I don't want to stop believing, even there are times that believing is hard, I still want to believe.

I don't believe in unconditional love, but this afternoon, watching wanita hari ini, I believe that if you are lucky, there's such thing. IF you are lucky, though. But whatever.

I believe in people, but I don't trust them. See, that's the thing. I believe that they are capable of doing things, great things, that they have so much potential and shit, but that doesn't mean I trust them. 

I believe in uncertainty. Nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes- Meet Joe Black.

I believe in God, Allah, the all mighty. I believe in divine will and decree. But I'm weak and fragile, that sometimes, there are times that I forget and feel lost and hopeless. Then I get up again. Because I believe in Him. 

I know I believe that I don't know everything, but this is what I know, I know I should not stop believing. 

Because when nothing goes right, at least I have something to believe in- myself. I should be able to always believe in myself. 

Don't just make-believe.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The little things

So today I'm a year older.

I started my day taking the LRT to work. Today was just one of the days that I felt like enjoying the morning walk while listening to my playlist and smiling at the strangers that I bumped into. Good feeling, the power of smiling, the little things in life that make me happy inside : )

I drive almost everyday, but sometimes I just want to see the world from a different perspective. When I drive, I rarely get the chance to just enjoy my surroundings. I have to be more focused on the road, and road-bullying pisses me off. Today, I'm free from all that. Another little thing that makes life good ; )

I had McD and a cup of coffee for breakfast. Another little thing that makes me happy. Coffee. 

After work I'm going for a jog at KLCC. Jogging helps me clear my head and stay positive. I get "high" from jogging, getting lost in the music and being really determined and focused. Another little thing that makes life better. 

There are so many things in life to be happy about, the little, ordinary, simple things that make life worth living. We always aim for the big things, we complain when we don't get them. We don't realize that the simple, little things in life are actually the big things. 

Waking up next to the person you love.
The smell of clean, fresh laundry.
Your morning coffee.
Starting your car and having a full tank of gas.
Smiling at the random people you meet on the street.
Songs that bring back memories.
Smells that bring back memories.
Random acts of kindness- eg: someone holding the door for you.
Watching the kids playing outside, skinning their knees, having fun, getting all dirty.
The smell after the rain.
Your personal time, in your pyjamas watching movies, or walking half naked around the house when you are home alone and dancing yourself silly.
A hug when you're having a bad day.
Lying on your bed after a long day at work.
Home spa with your sisters.
Cooking together on weekends with your mother and sisters.
Feeding a stray cat that comes to you when you're eating out at some mamak stall.
A phone call from someone you miss, or from an old friend that you haven't heard since forever.
Peeing after holding it forever.
Being in love.
Purchasing the things you have always wanted to buy.
Home-cooked meals.
When a baby falls asleep in your arms.
Wearing your favourite clothes.
Deep conversations with your bestfriends or soulmate.
The smell of home baked cookies.
Crazy bets with your friends.
Singing along to the songs with your buddies in the car.

and many many more to be counted.

Happy blessed birthday to me. And I'm so thankful for all the little things in my life.

Alhamdulillah : )

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Embrace vulnerability.

Vulnerability makes us beautiful.

Agree? Disagree?

You know, I used to hate being vulnerable.  I thought of it as being weak and needy and pathetic. Someone used to say this to me, because I was having a hard time trying to get over someone (I know, it is so juvenile, right? Pppfft) so he advised me this, “Do not show your vulnerability, because people will tend to take advantage of you.” So I manned up. I shut vulnerability out. I built a wall, I tried to tell myself wth, I can live on my own. I thought it would make me stronger. I felt okay. I was indifferent. I just didn’t care. I felt numb. I whatever-ed everything.

I felt okay. I didn’t feel ecstatically happy. I didn’t feel lively. I just felt numb. It was just okay.

Little did I know, I did not only shut vulnerability out, I shut people out, too.  I was so afraid of letting them in, afraid of showing my imperfections, afraid of being needy, afraid of the shame and rejection of being disapproved, so I disconnected myself from them. Doesn’t make sense, you think? It’s like, you’re trying to protect yourself from the disappointment of not getting what you want, by not wanting it, so you convince yourself that you don’t want it, but no matter how hard you try to hide it, it will always be there, you’d still want it anyway. Maybe that’s not the case. Maybe I was just too ego to admit that I was vulnerable.

But truth is, that’s not how I’m wired. Heck, that’s not how we’re wired. It’s human nature to want to feel connected, to have the sense of belonging. Being able to understand that, is to embrace vulnerability. We are all vulnerable, we need others to feel connected, to be loved, to feel the sense of belonging. We need affection.

So how would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable? You know, when you desperately need something from someone, it kindda makes you feel vulnerable. Or when you have to initiate something, saying “I love you” first, asking someone for help, making the first move, asking someone out, initiating sex with your husband or wife, investing in a relationship although there is no guarantee, even though you don’t know if it’s gonna work out, just loving someone wholeheartedly. Uncertainty makes you feel vulnerable. That’s the beauty of vulnerability. It takes courage to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is not being weak or pathetic, it’s being courageous. You have to have the courage to show people that you need them, that you’re worthy of being connected and loved, to trust yourself and others around you, to accept and show your imperfections, and most importantly, to accept yourself and let people in. That’s what being vulnerable is. You don’t shut people out, you let them in.

So I’d say, embrace vulnerability. Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable. Because if you numb it, you’d feel numb. Maybe you thought you’d feel okay, it would protect you from getting hurt again by not letting people in, but you’d also prevent yourself from all the wonderful feelings you can feel. Being okay is okay, but what a waste. I’d say, let people in, be madly in love, love wholeheartedly even if there is no guarantee, trust others, let them in. Be vulnerable, know your worth, and believe that you are enough.

And only when you embrace vulnerability, you accept yourself truly, you admit that you are imperfect, and that’s just what you need to be able to feel it, to really feel it, to just believe in what you believe in, embrace the uncertainty and take a leap of faith, and that's just what you need when you pray to God, when you submit yourself to Allah Almighty.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Writing the title is the hardest part, so there.

People come and go. Sometimes I just let them be. Sometimes I fight for it, hoping they will stay. Sometimes I push them away. Those who want to stay, stay. Those who want to leave, go. Some people come back, some people are gone forever. C'est la vie. But one thing I've learnt about life is, it goes on.

Yes, life goes on. I wake up to a new day, breathing again, getting dressed to work, drinking my morning coffee, meeting people I know, bumping into people whom I will forget the next second, laughing my heart out at the jokes people make, remembering the faces that I miss the most before I go to sleep at night. Another day goes by.

Having a blog, I feel like I'm naked, because I make my vulnerability accessible to others, unintentionally. My thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, I am transparent. Screw that, I find writing therapeutic. Because at the end of the day, it's how I feel that matters most.

Life scares me sometimes. But I figured, whatever will be, will be.

Because if something is bound to happen, it will happen.

Let it be.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tick tock tick tock.

There are a lot of things to do, a lot of places to go, a lot of people to meet.

But laziness is the root of all evil. It prevents you from being at your best. I admit that my laziness is not helping me to be a better person. Laziness is a hindrance to success. And thus, I declare war on laziness.

Procrastination too, happens because of laziness. It does me no good, in fact, it will only make things worse. But then again, to work under pressure, catching up deadlines, it gives me an adrenaline rush, like gambling, I'm risking my chances just for the thrill of it.

And there's a price to pay for being unorganized, too. Losing things, losing time searching for things, hurting yourself stepping on things. So make time to fold your shirts, clean the bathroom, wash the dishes after every meal, make your bed after you wake up.

There are so many things to do, so many people to meet, so many places to go. It all starts from here, it all starts now. The clock is ticking, don't let opportunities pass you by.

This is the time of your life, Bee. Make the best of it.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I am a daughter to my parents, a sister to my siblings, a lecturer to my students, a lover to my man, a friend to many, a stranger to others, and most importantly, a servant to the Creator.

What if one day, I lose it all. Who will I be if I'm not a daughter, a sister, a lecturer, a lover, or a friend? Who am I exactly without my roles? What will I be without them? Who will I be to them?

I am a person. Without my roles, I am still a person. But what kind of person am I?

Have I been a good daughter to my parents? a helpful sister to my siblings? a dedicated lecturer to my students? a loving partner to my favourite person? a thoughtful friend to my friends? a kind stranger to those who don't know me? Have I been an obedient servant to Allah?

Who am I exactly?

Will I be able to find myself if I lose it all?

What will I remind you of?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Will. We. Are.

Do you believe in free will?

Do you believe that we have the freedom or power to decide whatever we want, to shape our lives regardless of the force behind it, that we are responsible of our own actions, and we create our own destiny and we decide how we want to live our lives?

Or do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, everything happens the way it's supposed to?

Yes, it seems easier to leave it all to chance, to let fate decides. But does it really work out that way?

There are things in life that are beyond our comprehension, beyond our control.

Yes I do believe in free will.

We can't just simply blame it on fate for everything that has happened in our lives. God gives us the ability to think, to rationalize things, to choose and make our own decision in life. We are not like puppets, we have to take responsibility of our own actions, because I believe that some things happen because of our own free choices.

But I also believe in God's will. Pardon me I'm not an expert on this, guide me if I'm wrong. I believe in the divine will and decree (Qadha' and Qadhar). Even though we are given the choice to choose, it won't happen without God's will. So everything will fall back to its nature. We can choose, but God decides. Only God can allow things to happen, good or bad.

We are given the choice to choose, the 'aqal to think. And I believe that we are responsible of our own actions.

So don't simply blame it on fate.

Remember, some people are tested for patience and some for gratitude. We will be tested for as long as we live. Being poor vs. rich, sickness vs. health, loneliness vs. companionship.

For whatever reason, the end doesn't justify the means. If you want to be rich, there are ways. But choose wisely. Bribery? Gambling? Or work smarter, pay your zakat and pray? Maybe by giving a bribe you can be filthy rich, but what will happen next? Maybe you can't be rich no matter how much effort you put in, but remember life is full of tests. And in the end, everything will be judged by God.

So choose wisely.

Indeed, Allah is all knowing, all powerful.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Because you are your own hero.

Hello. Take a look at yourself. You are someone. You can be anything you want to be. You can be everything. So what's stopping you? Challenge yourself, take risks, make mistakes, learn from them. Be your own hero. Do not give hate a chance. People may hurt you, so learn to forgive them. Cry if you want to, then let go. Don't hold a grudge, it's not worth it. Do not be disappointed over the things that you can't control. When you are facing a problem, ask yourself will it still matter after some time? Take a deep breath. Relax. Do not over-think. Stop worrying too much, it will do you no good. Be kind, everybody is fighting a hard battle. Love truly and never stop believing. Do what you love. Just live your life and enjoy it. It is your life. You decide how you want to live it. So screw others. Smile a lot. Laugh a lot, do not take things too seriously. But never take things for granted. Create memories. Learn to trust. Learn to appreciate. Learn to accept. Do not expect too much from others, you will be less disappointed. Be crazily in love. Do not give up hope. Have faith in what you do. Believe in yourself. Live life. Live in the moment. This is the time of your life, and it's ending one minute at a time, so just fucking live it and make the most out of it.